03.02.2022

My mind has a habit of displaying my
   most trying times in a surreal light

Maybe this is a result of trauma and PTSD
      a coping mechanism to keep me safe

All I know is that my life, and progress in it
    require more careful conversion and consideration
    when my starting lines feel so hazy

It is almost as if my brain, in some areas,
   lives in waiting for final confirmation
   that what happened was real, and
   not overblown, and as hard as I remember

But, I already know these things are true

Almost ten years since my emancipation
       and even that still feels unsolidified, somehow

Yet and still, I remind myself it is true
    and necessary, and a saving grace
    which I bestowed upon myself
    and the rest of my life
    and I deserve to call it by name

I remember thinking that maybe I 
  didn't have to live out of my car,
  that I was choosing it, because
  I had another option (being abused)

I think that, more than any other,
  was the lesson cemented by my divorce:

If the other option is abuse, even when
   coupled with housing and financial safety
   leaving is an act of immense bravery
   even and especially when it feels impractical

Focusing on practicality over possibility
         would have left me trapped with
         narcissistic abusers twice over already, truly,
         and I am only truly beginning this life

I am so proud, so proud, so proud
Sometimes my mind is too preoccupied
          with my means for survival to process
          all of the surviving I have already done

I am trying to spend more time
  thinking about the bigger picture
  acknowledging the "from here to there"

Because it really is incredible,
        what that little girl did and
        what that teenager did and
        what that twenty-something did

Saving and rebuilding herself, over and over,
           without anyone ever showing her how

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