My mind has a habit of displaying my
most trying times in a surreal light
Maybe this is a result of trauma and PTSD
a coping mechanism to keep me safe
All I know is that my life, and progress in it
require more careful conversion and consideration
when my starting lines feel so hazy
It is almost as if my brain, in some areas,
lives in waiting for final confirmation
that what happened was real, and
not overblown, and as hard as I remember
But, I already know these things are true
Almost ten years since my emancipation
and even that still feels unsolidified, somehow
Yet and still, I remind myself it is true
and necessary, and a saving grace
which I bestowed upon myself
and the rest of my life
and I deserve to call it by name
I remember thinking that maybe I
didn't have to live out of my car,
that I was choosing it, because
I had another option (being abused)
I think that, more than any other,
was the lesson cemented by my divorce:
If the other option is abuse, even when
coupled with housing and financial safety
leaving is an act of immense bravery
even and especially when it feels impractical
Focusing on practicality over possibility
would have left me trapped with
narcissistic abusers twice over already, truly,
and I am only truly beginning this life
I am so proud, so proud, so proud
Sometimes my mind is too preoccupied
with my means for survival to process
all of the surviving I have already done
I am trying to spend more time
thinking about the bigger picture
acknowledging the "from here to there"
Because it really is incredible,
what that little girl did and
what that teenager did and
what that twenty-something did
Saving and rebuilding herself, over and over,
without anyone ever showing her how