The older I get and
the longer I work with dogs
the more parallels I see
between animal behavior and
the way my sister and I were raised
I wonder how far back you would
need to trace my family tree
to find a pair deviating from the pattern:
one who feels, and sees, and knows, and
one who never fails to ask,
"What the fuck is wrong with you?"
It turns out that pattern also translates
to siblingships- at least mine
Guess which one I am
Guess which one raised us
Being groomed to look for weakness
trained to find fault and
expertly identify it
is an obsessive, insidious way to live
Handlers who consistently put us in opposition
Teaching foundational skills like,
"One cuts, the other chooses"
Instilling systems, and communicating directly,
that we had to fight it out
to survive (in)
Did you know?
When you have a pack
where everyone has to fend for themselves,
where leaders facilitate conflict and then step back
letting unsuspecting members "fight it out,"
eventually they learn to fight for control
like they are fighting for their lives-
because they are
Did you know?
Naturally confident dogs
who have issues with control,
magnified and reinforced
by their environment
are some of the most dangerous dogs
some of the most deadly dogs
A dog that is high in control
that is high in confidence
(innate or based on past successes)
will likely walk a training
tight rope that many fail to see-
A product of nature and nurture
(or lack thereof)
desperately in need of safety,
and routine, and a little luck-
if control aggression becomes
obsessive, weakness aggression
there is nothing that anyone can do.
I was born and bred for control and
I was steeped in the waters of obsession
and I did not leave the pack unscathed
but I abandoned my education in "them or me"
and I started drowning out the drumbeat
of the pack constantly seeking shortcomings
of others and calling it "opportunity"
and they turned me into the omega for it
beat the shit out of me just because
just for fun, just for the release
but I was already on the path to freedom,
and instead of igniting a need to be accepted,
to change my position
in the group dynamic,
it fanned my flame of bravery
and gave me the urgency to leave
It flies in the face of instinct
to abandon your pack- especially
when they maintain a facade
of strength, consistency, and
support, "We have your back"
The truth is:
The fear of navigating this world alone
is much preferred (by me)
to knowing
that you will be preyed upon by your people
the moment you display weakness-
or, worse yet,
that you might become like them
to survive